Chapter 59: Would It Have Been Better If I Had Never Lived in This World?

Ilouvia had a dream.

In it, she had returned to her childhood—to the first assassination attempt she had ever faced.

It was also the first time she had realized how terrifying her power could be.

The maid who had tried to kill her had been at her side for years. The moment she came close, the flesh began to melt from her bones.

Ilouvia watched as the maid—the only person in the palace willing to approach her, the only one ever to offer her even the slightest kindness—vanished like snow beneath the blazing sun. A fear unlike anything she had ever known seized her.

She was afraid. She wanted the maid, the one sisterly figure who had always been kind to her, the only person still willing to come near her, to return to normal.

Even though, not long before, the maid had come at her with hatred in her eyes and a poisoned dagger in her hand.

A little kindness was all she wanted. Even if it was false… it was all she had.

But what happened next was something Ilouvia regretted to this day. Though years had passed, she still dreamed from time to time of that memory, a nightmare in all but name.

A wisp of violet flame appeared at her fingertips and leapt onto the maid, whose remains lay scattered across the floor as white bones.

The flames burned.

Flesh reappeared amid the fire.

But the flesh that grew back was pale and unnatural.

The maid had been restored to her “former self”—except that her eyes were empty, their only glimmer the violet fire, and her flesh was corpse-pale. Otherwise, nothing had changed.

Ilouvia’s eyes flew open. She was awake.

Cold sweat had soaked through the back of her white nightdress and dampened the blankets.

Even so, she stayed buried beneath them, unwilling to get up.

Ilouvia…

“Thinking about troublesome things again.”

“Come to think of it, isn’t the opening ceremony today?”

“Never mind. I’d only get disapproving looks if I went.”

With that thought, Ilouvia rolled over nimbly and wrapped herself in the blankets, intent on going back to sleep.

But after tossing and turning, she found herself more awake than ever. She realized she probably wasn’t going to fall asleep again.

“…I’ll go watch the opening ceremony from a distance, then. Just a quick look, and after that I’ll head to the military bureau. Director Kaifas is willing to work with me for once.”

“Maybe I can use the opportunity to win him over.”

“Surely my chances are better than Wellington’s—the sanctimonious old bastard.”

With that in mind, Ilouvia got up, dressed, and made herself presentable before heading out.

On the way, she glanced at the little dormitory building next door, where Kalia lived. It was quiet.

The curtains in the upstairs bedroom had been drawn open, so Kalia had apparently already left.

“Must be nice… having nothing to worry about. I wish I could live like that someday…”

She hadn’t seen Kalia, and she wasn’t particularly fond of the girl who was always clinging to Roland. Still, she had to admit that she longed for a life like Kalia’s.

Even for just one day. One hour.

As Ilouvia stood there daydreaming, a Hatter appeared behind her.

“Your Highness. Are you going to the opening ceremony?”

“I am. Why, can’t I?”

“It’s not that, but you’ll have to hurry. The ceremony has already started.”

“…”

Ilouvia sighed. “Then I won’t go. I was only going to take a look, anyway.”

Disappointed, Ilouvia asked, “Did anything happen on Roland’s end last night?”

“Your Highness, according to Dren, who was assigned to guard Sir Roland, he was targeted in an assassination attempt last night. It seems to have been more of a test than a serious effort.”

“I see… Tell me, if I weren’t around, would Roland have a lot fewer problems?”

As she walked toward the academy’s exit, Ilouvia spoke as if asking herself and answering at once.

“Look, without me, he could have passed the examination easily, even without joining a team.”

“But I dragged him into trouble, and he faced several attempts on his life along the way.”

“Two fifth-circle warriors, two fifth-circle mages, and one sixth-circle mage… If I’d been alone, I really wouldn’t have escaped their encirclement.”

“Without Roland, I’d probably have died during the examination. He was the one who got me out.”

“And without me, Master Toran wouldn’t have had so many clashes with Roland. They get along so well. They should have become a fine master and student.”

“Master Toran did take Roland on as a student, despite a few misunderstandings, but none of that would have happened if I hadn’t been involved, would it?”

“And the assassinations, too… You see? Roland has run into so much trouble he never should have had to face, all because of me.”

“Put that way, what he said yesterday—that I was a real nuisance—sounds pretty fair, doesn’t it?”

Ilouvia fell silent for a moment, then turned to look at the Hatter walking a short distance behind her.

“Tell me… If my father had found the resolve to smother me in my cradle when I was born, wouldn’t that have been the best choice?”

The Hatter accompanying her remained silent, following along without a word.

Seeing that he had no intention of answering, Ilouvia gave a soft laugh.

“Forget it.”

“Like he said, I’ve made it this far, so I might as well keep living.”

“As for all the prejudice and suspicion, let them be.”

“‘Once you’re dead, there’s nothing left. Death closes the book on everything. But as long as you’re alive, there’s always something you can do.’ That’s what he said.”

Ilouvia’s sudden change in attitude surprised the Hatter, who had been quietly listening in. He had thought Her Highness would stay melancholy a while longer.

Then again, it made sense. Without such a strong ability to recover, she never would have lived to adulthood. Her desire to destroy herself was intense enough to have killed her in any one of the many assassination attempts.

At that moment, Ilouvia stopped. The Hatter behind her stepped forward, placing himself between her and the person approaching.

“Stand down. Lady Frum means no harm. There’s no need to be so tense.”

Ilouvia waved the Hatter aside, then looked at Frum in puzzlement. “Didn’t you go to the opening ceremony?”

“No. I’ve been looking for you.” Frum shook her head, then explained why she had come. “Come with me. There are things we need to discuss in private.”

“Can’t we talk here?” Ilouvia tilted her head.

“No. Trust me, Ilouvia. I’ve watched you grow up, after all.”

Ilouvia looked unimpressed. “…You’ve only taught me a few lessons.”

“Close enough. You’re about the same age as that girl Lia, and when you were born, you both…” Frum stopped herself before letting something important slip. “Never mind. We’ll talk about that another time.”

She quickly changed the subject. “It’s about Salah. He asked me to pass something on to you.”

“I haven’t found the right opportunity until now.”

“And this is perfect. Roland and Lia are listening to Hearn go on and on, so they won’t come bothering me.”

“My father?”

Ilouvia froze for a moment, then remembered the conversation they’d had in Frum’s office the day before.

“I understand. Let’s go somewhere else and talk.”

Ilouvia nodded to Frum, then turned to the Hatter. “Go meet up with Dren and make sure Roland stays safe.”

“I’ll have someone else follow up on the joint operation with the Inspectorate General.”

“Yes, Your Highness.”

The Hatter withdrew, and Ilouvia left the academy grounds with Frum.